How To Find a Sasquatch (Mystery Solved)

Perhaps it’s human nature to want to meet a celebrity. Personally, I’ve always wanted to run into the foothills’ biggest celebrity, Knobby—a ten-foot Sasquatch who lives near South Mountains State Park. It’s hard to run into Knobby because he’s rather shy and rarely embarks on publicity tours to promote his new projects. His last publicity tour was about ten years ago when he made the late-night talk show rounds and was caught snooping through a cabin window to watch the Tonight Show. The owner of the cabin called 911 to ask if he could shoot “the beast,” but decided against it on advice from the dispatcher. The owner then resorted to telling the sasquatch to “Git! Git away from here!” Knobby complied with the request, turned, and faded into the woods, but only after the owner noticed the beast had a “beautiful head of hair.” (This really happened: youtube the video, “CNN: See Bigfoot? Call 911”). 

Over the years, a lot of sasquatch sightings have occurred here in Cleveland County, and I think I’ve figured out why. It dawned on me upon studying a historical map that many communities in Cleveland County are named for their local protuberance of water, like Sulfur Springs, Boiling Springs, Lithium Spring, etc. And these springs once attracted politically engaged men of an entrepreneurial spirit, namely bootleggers who hated Coolridge’s policy on prohibition. 

Though some people believe a link exists between sasquatch encounters and alcohol consumption, my research indicates the historical link occurred with alcohol production. Being woodland creatures, sasquatches are well acquainted with the most remote and clearest springs, or the ones best suited for a liquor still. Thus, I hypothesize that sasquatches acted like commercial realtors for the local hard-beverage industry. For a small cut of the profit, they likely even provided security, scaring away anybody who might mistakenly stumble upon a moonshine spring.

So, long story short, if you want to find a sasquatch, just locate a liquor still. Upon arrival, if you don’t spot a sasquatch right off, warm yourself with a few swigs of corn and you’ll find one soon enough, likely one with a “beautiful head of hair.”