There comes a point in every man’s life when he undertakes burning a stump. Man versus stump–it is a rite of passage, a tale as old as time, and a prime business opportunity for makeup artists specializing in eyebrows. Many a man has tried to hasten the combustion of stump by squirting lighter fluid onto a pile of smoldering embers. Many a man has provided a blank canvas for artistic representations of coarse, tangled arches. Some makeup artists will offer special group rates and throw in an eyebrow for free, depending on how many men were standing around the stump at the time of the flare up.
Instead of using a petroleum-based accelerant, it is best to slowly and diligently build a bonfire over the stump with natural substances, like twigs and sticks, branches and logs, boards and dimensional lumber–anything larger than a 6 x 6 is hardly necessary, though it does provide a stable base for a long-lasting conflagration.
How large should your bonfire be to adequately burn the stump? In my opinion, you should trust your gut, which usually pipes up at about the same time you hear the sirens approaching. Most firemen are required, by their terms of employment, to discourage you from building mammoth bonfires over stumps. However, once off duty, they will likely join you to watch the stump burn, all while providing some scientific tips and tricks to spark up a little fiery whirlwind. If they are volunteer firefighters, they may even try to create a larger fiery tornado.
Much of the pleasure in burning a stump is staring at it. This probably has something to do with primal instincts and likely dates back to when cave men stared at stumps. Back then, men didn’t have TVs to stare at, so stumps were the most exciting thing around. Likely, cave women also stared at stumps, though they may have preferred watching different stumps. This could have caused bickering over who controlled the flint.
When we bought the old farmstead, I tried, over many months and years, to burn the stump of the giant oak tree that once stood behind our house. The stump won. It is still there. Maybe one day I will go back to burning it–my eyebrows still haven’t fully recovered from the first attempt, so I have little to lose.
I saw a stump in a park in Savannah this weekend where they had cut it down and painted on it. It was gorgeous. I recommend. Yard art.
Good idea–seems a lot safer than building a mammoth bon fire over a stump.
Yeah, I would miss your writing, so figured I’d give an alternative. 😉
I sang the line “tale as old as time” in my best Angela Lansbury voice. And I’m hoping you understand that reference, but no hard feelings if you don’t. Anyway, we put a big boulder on our stump. Actually, it came with the house that way and occasionally I stare at it and wonder why.
Well, I’m more of an Aladdin person, but I have the soundtrack memorized for basically any Disney movie from late 80s and 90s. We thought about building a rock wall around our stump to make a fire pit, but adding one big boulder over it sounds simpler and doesn’t require me to learn masonry skills.
Does your farm have a big enough tractor to move a big enough boulder to really make a statement of your stump? Another alternative – burn out or carve out some of the center and use as a planter.
We could probably put a pretty big rock with out tractor. We certainly have plenty of big rocks, lol!