While cladding our old farmhouse in new concrete-board siding, I thought,
“It’d be nice if ladders had heart-rate monitors like treadmills. That way I could simply rest my hands on a rung and know for certain whether I was having a heart attack.”
While driving the tractor down the road, I thought,
“It’d be swell if old tractors had backup cameras. That way I’d know precisely where to deposit my hay spear in the honking Lexus behind me.”
While ripping a 2 x 4 down to two 2 x 2s, I realized,
“It’d be fine and dandy if safety glasses had a defog feature. That way I could better estimate the position of the spinning saw blade to my fingers.”
While running from yellow jackets, I pondered,
“Geez, wouldn’t it be grand if steel-toe boots contained a lighter-weight metal alloy. That way at least the geriatric yellow jackets couldn’t catch me.”
While standing in the tractor’s front-in-loader to clean out the barn gutters, I thought,
“It might be better if I didn’t have life insurance. That way my wife, controlling the loader lever, wouldn’t be so tempted to dump me.
While having an asthma attack from grain dust, I thought,
“I wish breathing wasn’t such an underrated bodily function. That way I’d remember to carry my inhaler, and my wife’s 84-year-old popaw wouldn’t be concocting a way to tube me like a baby calf.
While watching a coyote swim across a flooded creek, I thought,
“I’m glad I’m not a coyote.”