I can remember a simpler time, a time when large pizzas were large and not paltry mediums in disguise. Yep, the modern large pizza is merely 14 inches in diameter, instead of 16 inches like it was back in the era of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles birthday parties. A two inch difference may not seem like much, but when you do the math it means the modern large is 24% smaller than large pizzas in the cowabunga era. I’m not sure when the shrinkage happened exactly, but it really takes the prestige out of scarfing down an entire large pizza by myself. Not that I do it often, but when I do, you can rest assured my wife is out of town.
Indeed, one of the many sacrifices I made for marital bliss was giving up Papa John’s. I married into a Pizza Hut family, and when I made my wedding vows, I ostensibly converted to the Hut. But deep down in my heart of hearts, I still love the garlicky goodness of Papa John’s. That little banana pepper lying in the corner of the box sings to my taste buds with happy nostalgia. Which is why, whenever my wife leaves me home alone, I order a large Papa John’s pizza with chicken, bacon, onions, bell peppers, bbq sauce, and extra cheese and diligently proceed to devour it.
Devouring an entire large pizza is basically the equivalent of running a marathon. Start out too fast, and you’ll barf midway through. The scientific reason behind this is the pizza’s salt content is a few kilograms short of The Dead Sea, so your stomach will engage in the reverse osmosis (a.k.a. barfing) if you eat too much without staying hydrated. That’s why I always add on a two-liter Coke to go with my pizza and proceed to guzzle it too. Unless you’re a competitive eater, the best approach is slow and steady, one bite after another, with short quick sips of Coke in between. If you can make it through the first 10,000 calories, the final 5,000 are a breeze.
But the problem with the modern smaller large is that it really diminishes your sense of self-accomplishment once you reach the finish line. Claiming you ate a whole large pizza when you only ate an old-school medium would be like putting one of those 26.2 stickers on your car when you only ran 20 miles instead. Sure you accomplished a lot, but did you really eat a whole large pizza? I think not.
So my point here is that we need to make large pizzas large again. In these divisive times, I believe this singular issue can unite our divided country, which is why I’m forming a third party alternative to the Republicans and Democrats called the Cowabunga Party whose sole purpose will be to increase the minimum diameter of a large pizza back to 16 inches. No matter whether you order veggie or meat lover, pepperoni or extra cheese, Pizza Hut or Papa John’s, there’s room in the Cowabunga Party for you.
So if you want to make a positive change in the world, please consider changing your party affiliation to Cowabunga. On behalf of the future multitudes who will undoubtedly join, we appreciate your support in these early stages of mobilization, and you can rest assured knowing any donations you make will be put to good use to fight the scourge of Larges In Name Only (LINOs).
Thank you for your support!
(Dark money and bribes should be sent to our Political Action Committee, the Large Pizza Leadership Fund. I reserve the right to use any contributions to pay off campaign debt, namely that of my mortgage and any rusty tractors I may buy for campaign purposes.)