How to Make Money Farming

Life is full of little ironies. A few months ago I was on a podcast–and get this, the name of the podcast was Farm4Profit. They needed someone to do a segment on beekeeping, and somehow they found me. Apparently, they didn’t know I have a blog called The Misfit Farmer, where I dispense questionable farming advice and mostly enumerate the many ways I’ve lost money farming, beekeeping being one of them. Instead, because I write for a beekeeping magazine, they thought I was a beekeeping expert, obviously having never read any of my articles, which would have quickly dispelled them of that belief.  The point here, though, is I feel like I short-changed the nice guys at Farm4Profit. Admittedly, I was very nervous, having never been on a podcast before, so I’d like to make it up to them by providing some surefire ways to make money farming and beekeeping. 

The great news is I’m often too busy chasing swarms over the horizon to fool with paperwork, so I haven’t filed for patents on any of these lucrative ideas yet. That means you’re free to make millions off them without worrying about patent infringement. In fact, just a nice hand-written note and 10% royalty on sales for perpetuity is all I ask. So without further ado, I present your path to future fame and fortune (don’t everyone rush to apply for Shark Tank all at once). 

Biodegradable diapers with a built-in wildflower mix. Just let your baby add fertilizer, then plant, water, and wala! In a few months you’ll have a little tuft of wildflowers for your favorite vase.

Organic Clay-Doh. Put red clay in a little plastic cup-like container, market it as Organic Clay-Doh, an all-natural alternative to Play-Doh.

Stingers Home Security Company. Place mean bee hives at strategically-placed positions around houses to deter home invaders.  

Whirlpool Washer/Extractor Combo. For a piece of equipment that only gets used a couple of times a year, honey extractors are big and take up a lot of space. A honey extractor that doubles as a washing machine the rest of the year would sell like hotcakes to hobby beekeepers. 

Beemorang. A hive tool shaped like a boomerang. When you accidentally sling your hive tool into the atmosphere because a bee just performed a torture technique by inserting its stinger under your fingernail, the hive tool will come back to you.  

The Lil’ Loader Seat. If you’re tired of toting your offspring around the farm or pushing them in the stroller, the Lil’ Loader Seat,  a baby car seat for your tractor’s front-end-loader, is for you. 

Kudzu Cologne. Ever traipsed through a Kudzu patch beside a pond while searching for a jon boat now hidden by vegetation? Well, I have. And I can tell you that Kudzu has a quite pleasant aroma. Kudzu would be a very easy crop to grow. 

Cow Obedience College. Tired of having to reimburse your neighbors for the shrubbery your fugitive cows ate? That’s not a problem when your cows have graduated from Cow Obedience College. 

If anybody else has some ideas they’d like to add to the list, let me know. I’m all about sharing the wealth. 

19 thoughts on “How to Make Money Farming

  1. Good to know! When I inherit farms I want to keep bees on the one where I will live and start a wild bee sanctuary on the one with native grasses and a forming walnut forest. Of course I know nothing about either and will be looking for places to learn

    1. I actually think that is my favorite idea on this list. Apparently, there are already a lot of disposable diapers out there, but none, to my knowledge, have a built in wildflower mix. I think that would really set my diapers apart from the competition.

  2. I don’t know about that beemerang. After the torture of the stinger under the fingernail, the nail in the coffin would be to be hit in the head by the sharp end of the hive tool.

  3. You never fail to make me laugh and laugh. My nephew has a grandson who will probably receive a home-made front-end loader baby seat once I share your idea.

  4. All of your ideas were great! I’m not the idea person in my house; that falls to my other half. I just enjoy watching the animals and sometimes him coming up with those ideas.

  5. Beemerang. That’s a winner! Why do they make hive tools with an invisibility cloak once discarded?

    1. I know! I’ve lost so many hive tools over the years. Just sit them down and can’t find them again. But your idea brings up another good idea–a beekeeping invisibility suit. The bees can’t sting what they can’t see, at least I don’t think they can.

  6. You reimburse your neighbors for your fugitive cows’ destruction? Your neighbors are lucky. Ours neighbors really need the Cow Obedience College , and we definitely deserve a Certificate of Excellent Tolerance.

    1. Yes, no kidding, our cows got out and went straight to our neighbor’s new Japanese maple, completely defoliating the thing and leaving behind a twig. She came storming over mad, and then to keep the peace, I had to pay $75 for a new japanese maple. To be honest, she probably deserves a certificate of excellence tolerance because that was the second time my cows did that same exact thing. This first time she refused my $75 check to reimburse her for a new plant. The second time she did not.

  7. Beemorang. An excellent idea. Clearly when I throw a small but hefty metal implement, sharp at one end, hooked at the other, it should come back at … ahem, to me. It will take my mind off the bee that found her way up my trouser leg.

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