My Philosophical Thoughts on Clothes

I don’t go clothes shopping often, but when I do you can rest assured I won’t find my size. In fact, there is nothing that fits me so well as ill-fitting clothes. My wife complains that I always buy clothes a size too big, but finding a men’s medium hanging on a clothes rack is like finding leftovers in a pig trough. Doesn’t normally happen. There’s always a small or large, but mediums, nay, never, nada. 

As far as pants go, I’ve leveled up a few sizes over the past few years, which makes pants shopping depressing. However, the other problem I have with new pants is that in T-minus twenty-four hours after I buy them they’ll be smeared with grease, grime, or grass stains. This is a pet peeve of my wife who says I don’t take proper care of my clothes. Best I can tell, proper care means I should hardly ever wear my new clothes, which I think defeats the whole purpose of buying them. When I tell her that, she says I should just come inside and change into old clothes before doing farm stuff. But farm stuff waits for no man. If I had to go inside and change clothes before feeding the cows or piddling around the barn, then I would get even less accomplished than I already do. 

Sometimes my wife and my mom tag-team me on proper clothes care. Yes, shudder, you should–it is never good when a man’s wife and mom combine forces on anything. Together, they’ll regale each other in stories of jeans I’ve defiled, with my mom bringing up days gone by when she had to sew knee patches onto my jeans. This was common practice for moms back when I was growing up because instead of playing video games and watching TV, boys played outside in huge ravenous hordes. Riding bikes, climbing trees, crawling under barbed wire fences–there were numerous ways for holes to appear in garments. These were natural hard-earned holes, not the faux prefabricated holes that adorn jeans of youngins today. My opinion is if a kid wants a hole in their jeans, they should go outside and earn it. 

Admittedly, as an elder Millennial, by the time my generation came around, we, as a nation, were completely dependent on foreign laborers in sweatshops for our clothes, but this new generation–Generation Z or whatever they’re called–now requests sweatshop laborers produce the holes in their clothes as well. Oh, how far we have fallen! 

Furthermore, isn’t clothes production a matter of national security? All China has got to do is just quit shipping over clothes and the vast majority of us will freeze to death or die of embarrassment, plus our armed forces will have to fight naked. Of course, I would still be afraid if a bunch of naked Marines came charging after me, but the steely-eyed Russians would probably just say “stremites’ k penisu” which means roughly, “aim for the dangly bits.”

So those are my thoughts on clothes.  

15 thoughts on “My Philosophical Thoughts on Clothes

  1. How about shopping at a thrift store? You can get a whole bunch of clothes for the price of one new outfit and it doesn’t matter what you get on them. Garage sales sometimes have clothes, but you never know what size lives in the home.

    1. Thanks, that’s a good point and solves my problem. We’ve got Goodwill right beside our Lowes, so I’ll have to stop in there at some point. Thanks for suggesting that!

  2. Once I had a car accident victim in his/her early 20s who, after we loaded this person into our ambulance I had to cut said patient’s jeans as part of our trauma assessment. Our patient vigorously protested, but I pointed to the numerous holes in the jeans and said, “Your jeans were already ruined in the accident so it won’t matter that I finish them off.” I caught a weird look, and was later informed by my culturally-savvy partner that those per expensive pre-torn jeans.

      1. It’s not just the youngins. Seems to be a common thing among all ages and backgrounds to be more worried about that favorite shirt than a broken bone or whatever

      2. You know, I could see that. Strangely, sometimes when I wear two different socks I think about what the medic would think if I got in wreck.

  3. My Sweetheart has organized my closet so work jeans and shirts are on one rack and ‘good’ jeans and shirts are on another. They look the same to me so this is the only way I can tell them apart. The really good jeans and shirts for events when I must look nice are in an entirely different room and I never touch them except when she brings them forth. I wear them to the event and they immediately go through laundry and back into the closet I must never open.

    1. Ingenious, that is–keep good clothes under lock and key that only wife has key to. That way if clothes get messed up I can blame her for giving them to me. I like it

  4. Hanged good thing it’s too late to be drinking coffee (Don’t do R C Cola, Big Red, Nehi, or Sun Drop) and that’s a good thing, else I’d have snorted coffee all over the keyboard. Good read. You sure you wasn’t borned around the late forties or early fifties? Sometimes you sure sound like a Boomer. That’s all I had to say. I gotta go out and frost punkins now. Catch you again later.

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