A Petition to Cancel February, Permanently

February, ugh–a month so bad it’s reduced to 28 days. It’s also anchored by the holiday with the worst candy. How many teeth have cracked on those little hearts that say “Be mine”? Beware is more like it. 

The worst thing about February is that it’s cold and bleak and generally unconducive to peeing outside. I know bathroom humor isn’t everyone’s cup of tea, but the fact of the matter is that February is the last month you’d want to relieve yourself on the roadside in an emergency situation. And yet the irony is that nature calls more frequently in cold weather, which is another reason to hate February. Apparently, because humans sweat less when cold, the human body has to route more fluids through the bladder. But the bladder has already contracted its capacity to hold liquid because, well, the heater in the truck has quit working and it’s cold and many things contract when cold, including the bladder. Thus, the bladder is now, at best, the size of a large walnut and completely incapable of storing the two gallons of coffee imbibed to stay warm. All these factors, added to the fact that there’s no gas station bathroom within miles to patronize, mean that bladder has now commandeered control of the truck, engaged the emergency flashers, and brought the truck to a screeching halt on the roadside beside a patch of woods. 

Furthermore, we ought to know something is wrong with February when we start the month by relying on groundhogs to forecast our weather. It’s a pretty good indicator that we, as humanity, have given up when we transfer meteorological decision-making to the rodent that lives in the road pipe. My wife’s poppaw, who is eighty-five years old, can remember a better age when groundhogs had yet to inhabit every culvert in the countryside. He said he never used to see groundhogs growing up, and then, all the sudden, they were everywhere, poking their heads up along the roadside. Don’t get me wrong, groundhogs aren’t dumb animals, as anyone who has had to battle one in a garden can attest, but only in February would southerners in the greater Charlotte viewing area get so sick and tired of Larry Sprinkle’s dreary forecasts that we’d put our hope in a rodent from above the Mason-Dixon line. 

Yes, our weatherman’s name is really Larry Sprinkle.

Thus, February is so bad that humanity unites in general dislike of the month, if for no other reason than the “r” in the middle of February is a completely superfluous letter whose sole purpose is to make us feel like idiots and second guess the spelling of a word we learned in first grade. 

Anyway, you can probably tell I don’t like February, and I’m sorry if you were one of the people who lost the calendrical lottery and were born during the month. But, let’s face it, you would benefit most from canceling February because, with it wiped from existence, you’d never grow older. So if you’d like to make the world a better place, please sign the petition by leaving your name (or favorite fake name, I’m not picky) in the comments and then distribute this petition far and wide, so we can rid the calendar from the scourge of February. Even if we can’t get February omitted entirely, maybe we can negotiate and at least get the “r” omitted from the middle, which would be a big win for the universe if you ask me. 

30 thoughts on “A Petition to Cancel February, Permanently

  1. Sadly, I cannot support this petition. I actually like February, and I like winter. But I note some of singular reasons pointed out, and I wonder if an entire month should really be attacked by process of elimination.

    1. Wait, before you say no, I’m open to compromise. Maybe we can just eliminate the coldest half of the month, or maybe we can rotate the elimination between February one year and a summer month the next year. Though I do like hot weather, I’d be willing to sacrifice August.

  2. Two comments: 1) If you think it’s hard to pee outside in February, let me assure it’s less challenging than a woman peeing outside in ANY month. Or maybe I’m just uncoordinated. 2) My birthday is the ONLY good thing about the month. I’ve said this many times and many times been asked, “But what about Valentine’s Day?” to which I respond, “As I said, my birthday is the ONLY good thing about February.” 😁
    February is a pretty sucky month for the most part, you and I can definitely agree on that!

    1. When my wife read this post, she said the same thing, lol. However, in my defense, we only have one bathroom in our house, so I’m always the one banished outside if there are competing callings from nature.

      Also, really liked your birthday posts, lots of wisdom in them.

      1. Thank you for the compliment. Always enjoy your posts too, and your wife sounds like someone I’d like. Smart of you to hold on to her. 🙂

  3. In Texas they like to say, we have 2 seasons, summer and February. Yet right now it’s 70, but that will drop to 30 very soon. The plants hate it, no idea what to do, bloom then frost, repeat all month. They, like me, know this is not mother nature’s plan at all, it’s weather modification/geoengineering, but let’s all just pretend it’s a normal February here. In any case, funny post, and sorry for your sad bladder!

  4. Made me laugh! Where do you live, by the way, that you’re getting your weather from Larry Sprinkle? (I don’t think that is his real name, do you?) I live in Statesville.

    1. I live in Shelby, but grew up in Hamlet, NC, and we actually had several families whose last name was “Sprinkle,” so I’ve always wondered if it was his real name or not. Done many a training at the Iredell County Ag Office.

  5. February is fine – compared to mud season. Oh, right – you are probably far enough south to not suffer from mud season! And if you pronounced the month correctly, instead of being sloppy about it, it would be easier to spell, as well. Grumble. (Of course, there are parts of the country that pronounce the next month without an r as well.)

    1. Oh we have mud season down here–December through March. Not sloppy, correct is no “r” as evidenced by all earthlings, except for the British who can get away with it because they’re British. And likely, lifeforms of alien origin don’t pronounce the “r” either, nor does God.

  6. Unlike a bunch (tech term for a gazillion) of your other commenteers, I am reasonably lucid. I whole-heartedly agree with the movement espoused by your petition. In the spirit of Democratcy, I hereby sign: Cleophus Alonzo Lumbar Regenz Ward Cleever Buggs Malone Ambruster Valesquez Leron Walthers

    1. It’s good to know that there’s still a few reasonably lucid people around with an appropriate hatred of February. Hopefully, one of your names carries a lot of weight with the calendar-making authorities.

  7. Can we tack on getting rid of the first r in surprise as well? I mean, unless you’re Gomer Pyle who says it that way?
    Steven and I have given up on the groundhog and the weather man and rely on my ankle now. It’s pretty accurate.

    1. Agreed on surprise. My wife’s migraines are usually a reliable indicator of a barometric pressure shift. So between your ankle and her headaches, maybe we can start a forecasting side business.

    1. Very interesting article. I did not know that about Feb. 2 being the middle of winter–good to know where over half way done. Thanks for stopping by!

  8. I would prefer to get rid of March. It’s three days longer and can’t make up it’s mind whether it’s a winter month or a spring month, if we should have warm or cold weather. And St. Patrick’s Day is the only holiday of any insignificance.

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