How To Get Out of Weddings

Weddings, ugh. For some reason, uncomfortable dress clothes, sappy songs, and awkward small talk appeal to otherwise rational women, my wife included. She actually smiles when an envelope brings tidings of forthcoming nuptials. Of course, the invitation inside also requests the honor of our presence, by which it really means her presence. I know the  bride-to-be just put my name on the invitation to be polite. And sometimes they don’t even waste the gold-foil ink printing my name–they just put Mr. and Mrs. Natalie Bishop. 

So forget feeding the world: the best reason to own cows is to get out of weddings. I hate to  spill the beans, but cattle prices have been in the dumpster for years now. Economically speaking,  we’d all be better off donating our cows to PETA and letting them foot the bill for hay. Currently,  the only advantage to keeping cows is a man (or woman if so inclined) can accidentally leave a  gate open. Thus, an hour before the union of two dear friends, really slight acquaintances if we’re  being honest, a prized heifer can get loose and need wrangling. And a loose cow emergency trumps attendance at weddings. Just don’t overplay the loose cow card, or else your significant other will suspect something’s up and ask you to repair the pasture fence, and repairing fences is tedious work best procrastinated. 

Unfortunately, many bridal magazines have caught on to the fact that men hate weddings and are now advising readers to get hitched in barns to re-attract the missing male demographic. Recently, I attended one of these barn weddings. Here’s my firsthand report: Still, ugh. 

First, it was definitely not a working barn. I never caught the slightest waft of manure or  saw the first mouse. Second, there were no wasp nests anywhere or yellow jackets hiding in old  hay bales. Third, the barn was absent dust-filled cobwebs and, in fact, dust. The barn was spotless.  It had fluorescent lights and stainless-steel fixtures. It was the first barn I’ve seen that could double  as an operating room. Sadly, that bride probably spent a fortune hoping for a true-to-life barn  experience and left with a white dress unsoiled. In a real barn, nothing attracts grease, oil, or grime faster than white clothes. 

So, brides, if you’re seeking an authentic barn wedding, please feel free to contact me to tour our venue featuring a barn built in 1940 and many dilapidated out-buildings. For a meager  upcharge, you can meet the raccoon living in the hayloft. For a small intimate wedding, the old  smokehouse accommodates eight people and a hundred mice. 

Right now, I have widespread availability, though this is liable to change once word gets out about the affordability of my authentic venue. In fact, you could probably rent our whole  facility for a fraction of those fancy barn venues, so long as you remember to feed the cows and  empty the mouse traps.

Our Facilities

33 thoughts on “How To Get Out of Weddings

  1. Your facilities remind me of my house.

    I laughed when I read, “It was the first barn I’ve seen that could double as an operating room.” People want the “rustic” look without the rust or the ticks.

  2. I’m not a fan of weddings either, any kind of forced socializing, in fact. Be glad you’re not female. Then you’d be invited to showers. I almost always manage to have something going on – so sorry! – but am quite happy to send a gift. 🎁

    1. Showers are the worst. You know, for my 3rd baby, I said, “forget the shower. Can we just go get dinner somewhere that serves massive high quality cheese burgers? And don’t worry about gifts or meals- grocery and gas cards are great!” I made a lot of friends that way.

    2. Ah, yes, I am very glad that particular vestigial gender role still exists in our society. One question I’ve always wondered about–why do they call them “showers”? That always confused me as a little kid.

  3. Please stop giving away my secrets to getting out of weddings and other social events. My wife is catching on! Otherwise, another brilliant post. 🙂

    1. Thank you! Usually, I try not to give away too many trade secrets for farmers. In fact, I have resisted doing an article about self-induced bouts of hay fever to get out of visits to in-laws, but sometimes you just have to divulge a little so people know your an authentic farm expert.

      1. I didn’t require boots, but did forbid neckties – and sewed my husband a Hawaiian shirt, so he couldn’t wear a tie without looking silly!

  4. Fun fact- my brother got hitched. My husband was on pregnant goat duty. Goats work the same way as cows apparently. And probably are more fiscally efficient. Idk, I haven’t done that legwork. I’ll look into it. Maybe give PETA a call.

    1. Pregnant goat duty–I will have to add that one to my repertoire of “emergency” excuses. I suppose I will have to get goats first, though. But that’s as good a reason as any.

  5. Don’t lay that on all women. I’ve done two weddings (the first one didn’t take, probably because we invited a couple of guests. The second one seems to be going much better, and we did it right…just the two of us and the county clerk. She brought in an assistant to meet the obligatory witnesses requirement.

    1. She sounds like a keeper. We had a very small and simple wedding by modern standards. I can’t say that I really helped out much in the planning process, but for my wife, even the stress involved in planning a small wedding and dealing with two set of families was terrible.

  6. We eloped. . .he had a witness, I had a witness, there was a friend taking snapshots, and the magistrate. . .he met us at our venue–good man (also a friend).

  7. It’s the ‘Sex on the Beach’ sort of trend, everyone just pretends it’s awesome b/c some dipshit somewhere said it would be, which it never is, but the myth prevails. But with the churches bowing to the Plandemic as the good little ‘Grooms of the Stool’ that they are, it’s no wonder brides everywhere are stooping to new levels. And I’d prefer your venue, the real deal, where the new mice-fright dance might replace that old classic, the chicken dance, or the boring ole 2-step even. Well-played, misfit farmer!

  8. I never had a wedding. We eloped while my sister was planning her wedding. The preacher said more couples should elope because they’re so stressful.

  9. When you have an up charge for meeting the raccoon, I believe it is supposed to be called a “raccoon encounter”. You can do the same thing with your cows. You also can charge more for people feeding them. I think the rate is about a dollar for half a Dixie cup.

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