My brainpower astonishes me—I mean, I guess I can call it mine now. I haven’t got a bill yet, so I’m not sure what the payment plan is for a brain replacement during an abduction, but whatever make and model the aliens installed in my noggin is impressive. For instance, my new brain’s reservoir of profundity recently produced the following thought: “Hamburgers are made of beef, not ham. Therefore, hamburgers should be called beefburgers.”
It’s rock-solid logic like that my old brain wasn’t capable of. Before the abduction, I rarely used logic or had profound thoughts. Now, however, it’s not uncommon for me to think existentially. Last night, right before I bit into a sandwich, I pronounced “I think, therefore I ham.” My in-laws, who happened to be dining with us, gave me a puzzled look (they’ve never had minds for philosophy), which then inspired a Socratic quote to well up: “I cannot teach anybody anything. I can only make them a ham sandwich.”
“Please do,” my father-in-law said, “I’ll take another.”
Admittedly, I never philosophized like that before the Unidentified Flying Object hitched its wagon to our chimney. Of course, you might ask, “How can you remember if the aliens gave you a new brain?” Apparently, it’s standard protocol to transfer over a few memories, kinda like transferring contacts to a new phone. Plus, seeing a UFO hovering over your house is rather memorable, especially a UFO pulling a wagon.
Come to think of it, the wagon may have been a livestock trailer. I vaguely recall oinks raining down from the heavens, though I kinda second-guess myself cause I doubt those aliens were big pork eaters. They were rather lanky and anemic-looking, so I have no idea what they might use pigs for.
All I know is I’m liking my newfound intelligence—oink, oink!
8 thoughts on “I Think, Therefore I Ham”
*What the World Needs*
~ More silliness from
~ those who know they are silly;
~ less from the others.
From what this non-abducted brain remembers, Hamburg was where the hamburger was first “invented.”
The aliens rejected me early on, and I am thankful I never had to endure their anal probes.
Ah, the Germans missed a chance to play to their logical stereotype by failing to call them beefburgers. The aliens probing technology has really advanced in recent years, mostly done through non-invasive procedures these days, at least if I remember that part correctly.
Yes, but pity the poor pig who got your older model.
Yes, somewhere a pig is struggling to do basic math and think coherently.
“They call them fingers, but I never see them fing.” -Otto, The Simpsons.
In my experience, school bus drivers make the best philosophers, behind farmers.